Contributed by resident lexicology COACH, Tilt’d Toledo
All right team, let’s huddle up. It’s time for some X’s and O’s.
And some C’s and H’s and A’s. Well, not so much with the X’s. There’s a reason Scrabble gives you extra points for using an X (Hey, whaddya know. I just used one in the word “extra” without even trying. I swear). So, referring to my byline above, the term COACH is simply an acronym for, creator of acronyms celebrating hockey. I was gonna go with the incredibly awkward, academic scholar supporting Ilkka Sinisalo’s theory astutely noting that “creating original acronyms changes history”, but my word-a-day calendar features lexicology for today’s date, and I wanted to work it into a sentence.
All that, just to introduce my fake interview with Coach Granato? Sheesh.
So anyway, I met with the Avs head coach the other day (not really, but stay with me), to ask him about stuff like Darcy Tucker’s “injury”, the spate of recent rookie call-ups, and James Mirtle’s Tank for Tavares campaign that TSN mistakenly credited to Adrian Dater, on Wednesday night’s Quiz. (I really need to figure out how to connect my DVR to my computer, because the only clip from that broadcast I can now find, was edited by On Frozen Blog to feature the boring Hart Trophy question, leaving out the whole tanking debate). When Granato and I sat down for the interview, the first thing that struck me was his demeanor (for example, I sat normally, while he turned his chair around and straddled it, Michelle Pfeiffer-style). Being the only NHL coach who dresses better than Sylvio Dante, I was a little taken aback by how…umm…”urban” his vocabulary had become. I was expecting a more Sopranos-esque accent, I guess.
Tilt’d Toledo: Whoa, there he is. Would you look at this goomba? Always with the Armani and shit, this guy. How ya doin’ there, Tone?
Tony Granato:[while donning a sideways Nuggets cap] Yo G, how you gonna play me like that? I done told your girlie on the phone to call me G Dawg, buoyy. That’s my new name now, so recognize. G – DAWG!! [Woof, woof]
TT: Umm, OK…So G Dawg, tell me…you’ve added some new faces over the past week or so, what with Nycholat, Hendricks, Vernace, Peltier and now Galiardi. Assuming FG re-signs those first two guys, what chance would you give either of the five, of making next year’s roster?
TG:[sucks his teeth] Mannnn, is that all you people can think about? Next year’s squad? How ‘bout a little respect for what we’re tryin’ to do now – win these next ten or so games. Shi-it, man.
TT: Oh. It’s just that…well…with the benching of Tucker, I guess I just assumed that…
TG: That’s yer problem, G. You always be ass-oomin’ this shit. How ‘bout you try a lil’ more reporting and a little less assuming? For your information, my man Tucker done hurt his back tryin’ to carry this mofo team on his shoulders all season.
TT: Umm, if you say so…getting back to the new guys…with the possibility of Sakic hanging them up, and the inevitable salary cap limitations that you’d face if Joe decides to play another year, isn’t it fair to say that guys like Vernace and Peltier and Galiardi…Hell, even Weiman and Sertich stand a pretty good chance of breaking camp with the big club? Not to mention the possibility of adding Tavares.
TG: Tavares? Shi-it. Now how we sposed to add Tavares? You smokin’ crack or sumpin’?
TT: Well that’s beside the point, but imagine for a second that I’ve given up the pipe. Surely you’ve seen the standings. And you must have read something about Mirtle’s Tank for Tavares philosophy the past year or two?
TG: Tank? Now I know you dit-int jus’ say that shit to my face. To my face? Now let’s get one thing straight right now, you [profane]in’ rock-head. G Dawg don’t tank!
TT: I didn’t mean to suggest that…
TG: BULLSHIT! You gonna sit there and lie to my face about thinkin’ I’se the kind of guy who would even consider tanking? I said it before and I’ll say it again slowly, so even an idjit like y’sef can understand. G Dawg don’t tank. You can sit there and tell me all about that Mirtle shit, but I got my own little campaign, see? It’s called G Dawg don’t tank. Got it? Good! I’m out.
And with that, he shoved his backwards chair towards me and walked out of the room. I was left with far less material for this piece than I had been hoping for when I booked the interview, so I went back to the Jibblescribbits head office, trying to think of angles for this story, but wasn’t coming up with anything. As I was checking the daily scores, I came across MHH’s latest Ti4T update. Staring at the screen in a (possibly crack-induced) haze, I noticed how much the Ti4T link resembled my own signature, Tilt’d T. It was at that moment that I decided that the focus of my article should be upon Granato’s repeated assertion that G Dawg don’t tank.
Picking up my trusty crossword dictionary, I set out to come up with my own version of Ti4T, using coach Granato’s phrase. After an hour or so, I settled on the following accurate, albeit contrived, acronym:
Granato definitely appreciates who'll get drafted only ninth - Tavares' teammate, allstar Nazem Kadri
So given the fact that I was feeling burnt out and just wanted to go home and crash (read: stop at my dealer’s house on my way home, possibly), I decided to run with the cumbersome and poorly phrased tagline, and just go ahead and produce the following inaugural G Dawg don’t tank update:
As you can see, in a relatively short time, the Blues have moved 9 points up on the Avs, yet still stand to draft the star of the London Knights (as of January, at least). Colorado could win out their remaining ten games and still fail to make the playoffs, but still retain a very good draft pick and use it to take a star player. Tanking for Tavares is unnecessary, though after last night’s loss, possibly unavoidable.