8 things I ♥ about Dion Phaneuf

Ed note: this was an April Fools Day Joke. To get the full effect of the joke, please note that, for one day, the entire site was done in full-on putrid Calgary Flames colors, and looked like this. Please imagine this if you are reading this on a different day

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Dion Phaneuf is totally the bestest defender in the game, and he is totally not a dirtbag whiny bitch-ass coward as some people may have suggested in the past. He's also not a punk either

So to show all you haters what's up here's 8 great things about Dion Phaneuf. After this you all will be like "Whoa, he just blew my mind"" and I'll be like "See Dion represent 'yo!"

1) He's totally the best open ice hitter in the game. In no way does he throw elbows at peoples head, cheaply board them into the glass or leave his feet to throw a hit. Just watch as he plasters RJ Umberger with one of his patented, and sooo not dirty hits:

And then there's this one on Andrew Ebbot. Now some will claim that Dion Phaneuf left his feet and threw an elbow into Ebbot's head but those fools are just jealous that Phaneuf isn't on their team. They would totally be down with it if he was on their team

2) He's totally willing to drop the gloves. I mean look at his fight page this year. I mean 4 fights for a superstar like Phaneuf is a boatload. And in three of those fights their only fights all season are against Phaneuf. Anyone can fight guys who do it all the time, but Dion is so awesome. I mean he's got this reputation as a gigantic tough guy, but still takes the time out to make sure guys who don't normally fight get a chance at him. That's totally not a cowardly thing to do.

I mean someone's gotta reign in on that Damned Steve Bernier or he'll just be out there punching everyone in the face. Don't let that 1 '08-'09 fight (against Phaneuf) fool you, the guys is a sneaky pugalist. And don't even get me started on that thug Jason Spezza. If you even give that guy an inch he'll totally take shots at every player. Sometimes you just gotta jump in there and start throwing punches, unless of course the guys an experienced fighter. See would a coward only fight guys who never fight and haven't had another fight in over a year.

Plus Elisha likes his face, and he can't risk taking a punch from a guy who knows what he's doing and ruin it.

3) How could anyone possibly think this guy is a douche?

4) He's totally not overrated. I mean who the hell has called him overrated anyways. Bah fellow players you say. I mean what the fuck do they know? How in the world would other players know how good a guy is rated.

And his shot is totally awesome every 1-in-10 times that it's on net. But when it is on-net I mean look out. And this guys stats totally aren't legit. And even though Dion Phaneuf doesn't face the same quality of competition as Robyn Rehgar or Adrian Aucoin it's not like he has the worst Goal Against per 20 minutes on his own team or anything. And it wouldn't even be fair to compare those numbers to Corey Sarich, Mark Giordano, or Adam Pardy even though they are facing the same quality competition. Anyone who uses those stats to try and prove that Dion Phaneuf is an inferior defender is just jealous.

5) Elisha Cuthbert would never date a dirtbag whiny cheap-ass coward

6) The guy is nothing if not entertaining. I mean all those awesome, and remember totally not cheap-shot, hits really get the crowd going. But if you ungrateful whiny ingrates don't like that, he is totally willing to do something just to laugh at himself:

Yet all you people do is hate.

7) I'll say it again, he's still not totally overrated. Look at this graphic that shows relative goals against. I mean it's not like every single one of his teammates was had worse defensive stats when he was on the ice. See, James Vandermeer had worse stats when he wasn't paired with Phaneuf. Obviously it's just a coincidence that every other Flame (EXCEPT VANDEMEER) is on the ice for more goals against per 20 minutes when Phaneuf with them than they do when he's not on the ice. Total coincidence.

8) A side of Dion that doesn't get shown enough is his charitable side. I mean just last year, in the dead of winter, he donated his car to a local needy guy. See some players would have thought this was enough, but not good ol Dion. I mean he had the decency to keep the car running and make sure it's warm so it would start for the guy who he gave it to. And he even gave it to a guy without even knowing him. Some might call this stupid, but I like to think of it as the ultimate show of unselfishness.

Dion Phaneuf is not a dirtbag whiny bitch-ass coward. He may be a cheap shot, docuhebag, overrated ass and an overrated whiny bitch-ass coward, but he is not, I REPEAT, he is not a nazi.



See Dion Represent 'YO!


  1. You're sure on a roll lately. Keep it up.

  2. Sometimes, April Fool's just goes too far.

    I need a shower.

    And HEDMMAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN is still mine, damnit.

  3. Brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Absolutely brilliant. I still nearly pee my pants when I see him trip over his stick.

    - chiavsfan

  4. I never realized until now how ugly those colours are together.

    And I love that clip of him tripping.

  5. awesome jibble. well done.

  6. Finally. A dedicated Flames site that gives Phaneuf all of the respect that he is due.

    On a day when some ignorant, casual follower of the team is busy filling his column's inches with unwarranted criticisms of the face of the franchise, it's nice to see that some people still have love in their heart.

    May God bless you, Scribbles.