Last season I decided to share my clairvoyant thoughts with you, my loyal readers, so that you would know what happens in the NHL season, before it happens. After careful consideration I decided to use my psychic powers, again, and share with you exactly what's going to happen next this coming season in another month by month breakdown. (This is my favorite post of the season FYI).
If you want to see the season play out and don't want to know what happens please don't read below this line. This is your spoiler alert...
The NHL accidentally leaks a memo to the press explaining the choice of the Ottawa Senators to open the season in Sweden. The NHL saw symmetry in the deal since being a Senators fan is similar to suffering from the Stockholm Syndrome.
The soaring NHL ratings from last seasons Stanley Cup Finals have a nice carryover effect as Gary Bettman announces a new deal with ESPN. ESPN will now refer to hockey as “a sport” instead of “That freak show on ice”.
Relations sour between Roberto Luongo and the Vancouver Canucks, as he found out that they were secretly slipping his wife birth control pills in July.
Evgeny Malkin leaves the Penguins and joins the new Russian League for a contract worth $100 Billion dollars, as the owner of the league, Dr. Evil, laughs maniacally.
Alexander Ovechkin is detained at the airport and misses an entire road trip because he turns up on the TSA “no-fly” list. Apparently the current administration is very suspicious of left-wing Russian nutjobs.
Jose Theodore is seriously injured after being shot while roaming the streets of DC. It seems some of the preexisting pimps in Washington didn’t appreciate Jose moving in on their turf.
In a scene eerily similar to his battles with Martin Brodeur in last years playoffs, Sean Avery is suspended for turning his back to play and waving his skate in Richard Zednik’s face.
Inspired by the Kings offseason appearance on The Price is right, Colin Campbell appears on Wheel of Fortune. He is a upset when Drew Carrey tells him he can’t use the wheel to determine the length of players’ suspensions.
On a road trip to play the Blue Jackets, Washington Capitals forward Nikolas Backstrom is arrested in an Ohio library for “scoring on himself”.
The Boots Del Baggio debacle prompts Gary Bettman to hire some people to make sure potential owners are properly vetted before owning a team. Unfortunately Bettman hires John McCain’s VP search staff.
The Toronto Maple Leafs sign little known Right Wing Daniel Bang from AIK in
Chris Osgood's wife files for divorce. A source tells The Globe and Mail that the final staw was that he was taking his work home with him, practicing his dead-fish flopping techniques in the bedroom.
Daniel Briere misses 3 games after cutting himself at a Panic at the Disco concert.
Tensions reach an all-time high between the new Russian KHL and the NHL, as the KHL tries to absorb the Atlanta Thrashers after invading Georgia. Canadians sportswriters everywhere cheer, because they don’t have to deal with one of those southern American teams.
Tyler Arnason is named Denver International Airport’s passenger of the year. A press release explaining the award reads:
Tyler was extremely cooperative every time he went through security. Whenever we wanted to search his bags all we did was give him a little tap on the shoulder and he immediately coughed them up
Canadian sportswriters everywhere commit Seppuku when they realize that by any “relocation” standards they want to apply to get those southern teams to Canada, it means they must move the Original Six Boston Bruins and tradition steep New York Islanders too.
After the Red Wings go into the second intermission of the Winter Classic down 4-1, Marion Hossa starts the 3rd period on the Blackhawk’s bench. Hossa explains that this gave him a better chance to win the game. Everyone believes him despite his new necklace...a Diamond encrusted pendant that spells out "Commit to the Indian"
To the surprise of everyone Brendan Shannahan, Jaromir Jagr, Jason Allison and Glen Murray lose their lawsuit against the New York Rangers. Apparently it was just an unwritten rule that the Rangers had overpay every year for at least one slow, aging veteran whose better years are well behind him.
A nationwide manhunt ends in a bloody raid on a religious cult compound outside Tampa, causing the Lightning to postpone a game. The people of mid-Florida consider the mullet holy, and after seeing the new Lightning coach, Barry Melrose, the people of mid-Florida mistook him for a holy man, kidnapping him and worshipping at his alter.
Al Sobotka, the longtime Red Wings Ice manager who is famous for twirling the octopus over his head, is fired by the Red Wings for interfering with a game. It turns out Sobotka mistakes Chris Chelios old leathery skin for the skin of a dead Octopus and tries to pick him up and twirl him over his head.
An ice storm knocks out power for thee weeks to people in Illinois, including all of the Chicago area. After a lengthy investigation the official cause of the power outage is listed as “The ghost of Bill Wirtz still trying to keep the Blackhawks off of local TV.”
The Ottawa Senators have to postpone a game in Washington after the entire team gets high sniffing fumes after a fuel leak on their chartered plane. After an investigation the official cause is “The ghost of Ray Emery”
After more than ½ a season coaching a team with arch-villains Todd Bertuzzi, and Dion Phaneuf, as well as other deplorable characters Mike Keenan insists on being addressed as “Cobra Commander” by the media.
Brian Burke celebrates the repealing of the Instigator rule by repeatedly punching Kevin Lowe in the face
The Colorado Avalanche are forced to forfeit a game after being late to get in Edmonton. It is later learned that the flight was delayed because Joe Sakic couldn’t decide between a window or an aisle seat.
Alexander Ovechkin makes a foray into acting when he’s cast to play Fezzik in The Princess Bride 2
Elisha Cuthbert is stolen from Dion Phaneuf when he leaves her turned on in the parking lot and goes inside for some coffee.
The Washington Capitals falter in the playoffs when goalie Brent Johnson collapses of exhaustion. Jose Theodore can't fill in because it turns out there’s an important clause in his contract that says “Jose only has to suit up in the last season of his contract”.
Sidney Crosby gets injured and is out for the playoffs with a sports hernia. When the playoffs started he would spend his free time flexing his entire body trying to make that playoff beard grow.
The NHL rethinks this whole black jersey fad when a study shows that emo bangs have gradually started to outnumber mullets in the league this season.
Due to a new rule the NHL Western Conference playoffs features only Calgary, Edmonton, Detroit, Vancouver. It turns out that teams that don't play in either the eastern time zone or Canada don't qualify for any awards anymore. The NHL explains "actually it's not a new rule, we're just more strictly enforcing a rule that we've always had".
The Montreal Canadians take finally sign Mats Sundin for the rest of the season. Sundin's agent called Les Habs during the 2nd intermission of Game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals, when the Habs had built up a 5-1 lead. In Mats press conference after the game he said "Well i just signed here because i really wanted to win a cup. People just saw me take 3 shifts in that 3rd period, but this journey started at the end of last season as I strung nearly every team in the league along for 12 months. It was truly an incredible effort, and this reward feels great."