NHL Season Preview-Eklund style

So when you know exactly what's going to happen in the NHL season (as I, the all-knowing Jibblescribbits, do) well you try your best to keep it under wraps and let people enjoy the season as it plays out. When August comes around and there's nothing left to write about, well I just have to let the cat out of the bag and tell everyone what the Future of the NHL has in store.

Sept 2007- *The Anaheim Ducks start the season short handed as Brad May and Todd Bertuzzi get deported from England for starting a riot at the nearby Arsenal-West Ham United match earlier in the day. Rumor has it the argument starts because of an argument between the two over who the greatest British Prime minister was. (e4)


*NHL Embarrassment turns to tragedy as Jean-Sebastien Giguere dies on the ice during warm-ups. Apparently his new pads swell in the humid English air and encompass him, suffocating him in the process. The NHL responds by putting new limits on the size of goalie's pads, which Martin Brodeur whines about. (e3)

Oct 2007- *The NHL is further embarrassed by the Atlanta Thrashers who, in an attempt to get anyone to pay attention to them, unveil their new jersey's on opening night. To the NHL's chagrin they try to capitalize on the popularity of the NFL and rename themselves the "Fighting Dogs". (e2)

*After captain Bill Guerin goes pointless in his first month as an Islander NY tries to lure Alexi Yashin back to NY with a 20-year $250Million contract, but Yashin is offended by the paltry offer. The NY Islanders are forced to call up minor league forward Kyle Okopso and sign him to a 15 -year contract. And promote him to captain. (e5)

*Drawing inspiration from the Northern Colorado Punter, Mitch Cozad, Jose Theodore tries to stab Peter Budaj in the leg so he can be the starter. Unfortunately for Theo he proves he's lost all ability in his stick hand by missing Budaj plunging the knife into his own buttocks. He is then put on IR because he can't even handle getting $6M to sit on the bench. (e1)

Nov 2007- *Shane Doan gets in trouble for maybe, sort of, possibly using a "racial" slur. All is forgiven when it is realized he isn't calling his goalie, David Aebischer, "Swiss Cheese" because of his nationality, but because of his goalie style. (e3)

*Despite their team improvement the LA Kings fail to attract any local media attention. In an idea hatched by remembering their Gretzky years while playing the Ducks in England, they trade for a star player from their cross-town rivals...and get David Beckham. The move does garner a lot of attention, but fails to improve the team. (e2)

*The Montreal Canadiens finally reveal their true intentions on their bizarre signing of Patrice Brisbois. Apparently management thought the best way to win a title this season was to sacrifice "Le Pylon" to the hockey gods with a public burning. Montreal fails to win the title, but their fans still feel better after the public burning. (e1)

Dec 2007. *Sydney Crosby falls over in warm ups because he forgot to lace-up his skates. Edmonton Oiler Alan Hemsky is immediately penalized 2 minutes for not tying Crosby's shoes, 5 minutes for laughing at Crosby and a 10 minute game misconduct for being on the ice at the same time Crosby falls. (e3)

* New Jersey Devils president Lou Lamorillo fires the coach even though the Devils have a perfect record in mid December and puts himself as coach. After 2 weeks as coach he also decides the team doctors must go, and he also fills that role. (e5)

* The Vancouver Canucks are fined and forced to forfeit games when it's noticed that the entire team is Henrik Sedin, 23 clones of Henrik Sedin, and Roberto Luongo. Apparently cloning violates the NHL drug policy. (e2)

* The NHL's "miked up" segment gets embarrassing when it reveals that Daniel Briere of the Philadelphia Flyers says "Not in the face" every time he is checked. (e4)

* In order to endure themselves more to fans in Nascar Country, the Carolina Hurricanes start putting number decals on their helmets and ads on their jersey's. The plan is abandoned when "Target" tries to replace the Hurricane logo with their own.

Jan 2008- *Alexander Ovechkin scores what is easily considered the best goal in the history of the NHL. He pushes the puck between 2 defender's legs flips over both of them. lands, then picks the puck up with the blade of his stick wraps around the net and bounces it off of Thomas Vokun and into the net. ESPN doesn't show the goal on Sportscenter, but instead decides to show Bertuzzi-Moore. Sportscenter producers defend the decision by saying "Hockey isn't now enough to make our show, see look how violent hockey is" (e5)

* Vesa Toskala asks for a trade from the Toronto Maple Leafs. He tells the Toronto Sun "It's not that I can't handle pressure, but I don't want to be in an environment where the media is concerned about my bowel movements every day". Don Cherry calls him "another soft russian with no heart. A Canadian player would be happy to share news of his bowel movements with the media, because they are tough" (e1)

*Chris Chelios and Dominik Hasek are suspended for 20 games for violating the NHL's drug policy. It turns out there were steroids in their new osteoporosis creams. (e4)

*During NHL all-star week The NHL announces they will have an expansion franchise in Las Vegas. To the surprise of everyone the franchise will join the eastern conference, thanks to the heavy lobbying of the Staal brothers, who all play in the same conference. (e2)

* Evgeny Malkin and Jordan Staal are selected for the young stars game, while Paul Stastny and Anze Kopitar are snubbed from the rosters. "Well Malkin and Staal play with Sidney Crosby so they are obviously better players than Stastny and Kopitar" (e3)

* The hockey media is stunned when a team called the "Western Conference All-Stars" show up for a game in Atlanta. "I didn't even know there WAS a western conference" is heard a lot in the press box. (e5)

* Sick of being checked, 6'2" 215 pound Calgary defenceman Dion Phaneuf gets frustrated and takes a run at the Avs Equipment manager. Ian LaPerriere then kicks Dion Phaenuf's ass.(e5)

Feb 2008 * In a case of art imitating life, The Sharks need to change their logo after the current Shark, appropriately, chokes on the stick that's in his mouth. (e4)

*The St. Louis Blues trade away everyone in their organization. No one in St. Louis worries because they will all be signed back by the Blues the next season.(e2)

*The Edmonton Oilers are forced to forfeit the rest of their games that season because Kevin Lowe traded the entire roster to Philly, for Geoffry Lupul and "some magic beans"(e5)

March 2008- * Ray Emery is arrested when it's discovered he has cut off the foot of Martin Gerber and hangs it around his neck as his "lucky Gerber Foot"(e1)

*The Devils losing streak hits record proportions as Lou Lamorillo is seen on the concourse serving beer, because he fired Charlie, the long time beer vendor. (e2)

* The Columbus Blue Jackets push for the playoff ends when it's discovered they have been dressing in Red Wings gear to try and trick people into thinking the Red Wings are losing.(e4)

April 2008- *The Detroit Red Wings forfeit 3 games in a row when they forget to show up for 3 games against the Chicago Blackhawks and Columbus Blue Jackets. When asked for a reason cpatain Nikolas Lidstrom said "What teams? To be honest we forgot those teams were even there." after hearing Detroit's explanation the NHL grants Detroit 3 wins because "IT was an honest mistake, we forget them all the time" (e2)

*The Stanley Cup Playoffs start, and ESPN celebrates by showing Chris Simon's chop of Ryan Holloweg last season "See how violent a sport Hockey is?" producers keep saying.

8 comments:

  1. This whole post had me cracking up (out loud in a library, I'm sure everyone around me loved it), great stuff.

    Of course, you know it's August when even reading about the inevitability of playing three games straight against Columbus and Chicago gets you all warm and fuzzy.

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  2. IT was fun to write, probably the mopst fun post to write in a while

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  3. * The NHL's "miked up" segment gets embarrassing when it reveals that Daniel Briere of the Philadelphia Flyers says "Not in the face" every time he is checked. (e4)

    Comedy gold.

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  4. This is close to a work of hockey brilliance. It only got better - great stuff jibblescribbits.

    I would like to point out that you have supported by theory of why we shouldn't be opening in London this September, but aside from that...

    Briere's comment of 'not in the face' made my evening, so much that i had to call my Flyers loving brother to 'show him the light' once again.

    It's a keeper.

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  5. He feels pretty
    Oh so pretty
    He feels pretty and witty and bright,
    And he pittys any forward who isn't him tonight.

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  6. This post was amazing! I was writhing in laughter. I must say, it enlightened me a bit too...The Blackhawks are still around!?!?! lol Keep up the good work. Glad I stumbled across your blog. I look forward to more great posts

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